Is Everyone A Narcissist?
“My ex is a narcissist.” We hear this more often now than ever. Usually, the following description of the ex includes someone who is, at first, “incredibly charming” and then later incredibly “manipulative.” The narcissist can control the narrative and victim-blame his or her way into winning every argument. The victim is left feeling helpless, confused and alone.
While the narcissist label is at risk of being misapplied and overused, it is helpful to understand the nuances that are at play when dealing with a romantic partner who could be placed on the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder (or one of the several other clinical personality disorders).
Narcissists are generally plagued with an unreasonable sense of self-importance, and a need for attention and admiration. They may feel like they deserve special treatment or privileges and look down on people they feel are not important. People with this condition may experience rage when they feel like they are not being recognized or have been slighted, and they tend to have difficulty managing their emotions when they are not able to influence the reactions of their audience.
Managing Conflict with a Narcissist
In the context of divorce, narcissists have a hard time not controlling the narrative and outcome. Someone struggling with narcissistic tendencies may suggest that the couple use mediation to avoid fighting and expensive litigation. This is usually a very attractive offer to the “victim” as the offer is often perceived as an act of compassion or collaboration – something the victim has been desperately wanting and waiting for. However, in a truly narcissistic dynamic, the offer is a thinly veiled attempt to unfairly influence the outcome and what the victim really needs at that moment is someone on their team who will establish and enforce proper boundaries for them, which is something they are usually very much out of touch with doing for themselves.
Nonreactivity and Self Control
While this is easier said than done, learning how and when to assert yourself and protect your boundaries is essential to engaging with a narcissist. Narcissists are always up for a fight and love when you “take the bait” as they are usually very familiar with their victim’s trigger points. When you try to match their energy, you lose. It is the reaction that often matters most. Even more pointedly, it is the non-reaction that matters most. Being as non-reactive as possible takes the control away from the narcissist. There is one reality you must stick to – and it is yours.
Coparenting with a Narcissist
Standing your ground with a narcissist can be terrifying, especially when you share custody of your children. Narcissists struggle with respecting boundaries, which can include involving the children in conflict and using them as pawns to gain an advantage. While that behavior is unacceptable and would be addressed by a judge, the mere threat of it happening is often too frightening for the victim to manage alone. There are professionals that can be put in place to correct the behavior, such as a parenting coordinator, who will act as a neutral between parents and call out bad behavior when it occurs.
When uncoupling from a partner with narcissistic tendencies, the victim often needs a “tribe” of people they trust to help with identifying toxic patterns and avoiding the temptation to react. This can be a slow learning process that is not without elements of guilt and shame for the victim.
At Artese Zandri, we represent clients involved in difficult power dynamics every day. Our counsel is measured and guided by the best interests of our clients and their children. Email us today at consultation@artesezandri.com to schedule a consultation.