Surviving The Holidays After Divorce: Part III - Forgiveness

Surviving The Holidays After Divorce - A Three-part Series

Now that the holidays are just about over and the New Year is upon, we are rounding our our three-part series with an eye towards new beginnings.

In this three-part series, we share some tips we give our clients when thinking about how to manage certain issues that may come to help them get through the holiday season and move into a new year. If you missed our earlier parts, not to worry - you can access Part I here and Part II here.

How (and why) to write a forgiveness letter

As Part III of our “Surviving the Holidays” series, we planned to curate a list of items we recommend you have in your “self-care” tool belt as we get through the final days of 2020 and welcome new beginnings in 2021. Then, we got an email newsletter from Ten Percent Happier, one of our favorite companies in our tool belt, reminding us of the holy grail of self-care exercises that couldn’t be more apropos this time of year: the forgiveness letter.

Of course, the forgiveness letter. If you’ve never done it before, you can imagine how it goes. You write a letter to your ex, saying how you forgive them for everything they’ve done that hurt you, then you file it away in your shoe-box of memories, never intending to send it and wake the next morning completely healed and with closure...

Not so fast. 

We are here to tell you from experience that actual forgiveness, the kind that heals you (especially after a deep betrayal that leads to the end of any committed relationship) is not so simple and in some instances can feel impossible. Forgive and forget? Probably not happening. So why even write a forgiveness letter? And how? 

First, what is forgiveness? 

We often take for granted what it means to forgive another, until we find ourselves stuck. The “stuckness” shows up when we truly want to move past the pain and suffering, but can’t seem to find the way out. There are a lot of conflicting emotions to reconcile as you course through the process of forgiveness. In broken relationships, the hurt can run so deep that forgiving the person who has caused you pain can feel like a personal betrayal of your own self. 

And what is forgiveness anyway? If it is not reconciliation, is it acquittal? Acceptance? How do we define it in a way that sets us free, gets us “unstuck”? 

Learning how to forgive another (and oneself) is serious work. We’ve done a lot of research in the area, for our clients and for our ourselves, and here’s what we practice, preach and recommend to you as a foundation for learning to flex that forgiveness muscle:

1. Empathize - Consider how the other person got to the place of doing the thing that requires forgiveness. You shouldn’t confuse empathy with excuses. Empathy involves considering that there may be another perspective (or another person’s trauma) in play; it provides context. The closer you can get to experiencing the situation in the other person’s shoes, the closer you are to understanding how to forgive. “Forgiveness requires a sense that bad behavior is a sign of suffering rather than malice.” - Alain de Botton, Founder of The School of Life.

2. Acknowledge - Face it, there are difficult things about you, too. Accept that you, and everyone - by the very nature of our existence - are deeply imperfect and that someday you too will need to be forgiven.

3. Habituate - Make forgiveness a habit. If forgiving your ex for the predicament you are in right now feels insurmountable, start with another person who has hurt you a bit less. Then, find another and do it again. And again, until you feel ready to turn toward the forgiveness letter. 

Why should you write a forgiveness letter?

It may feel too “woo-woo” to sit down and write a forgiveness letter. Perhaps deep exploration of how someone has caused you pain and suffering is too unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Or, perhaps you are still too steeped in hurt and anger in order to express yourself in a way that isn’t discolored by blaming and criticizing. 

Wherever you fall on that spectrum, it’s ok. Remember, you are writing this letter for yourself and no one but you will see it. The other good news is that you can write and rewrite a forgiveness letter as many times as your heart can handle. You are committed to the exercise because the physical act of writing down your thoughts and feelings is cathartic, and sometimes we just have to surrender and have faith in the process. 

If that’s not convincing enough, how about knowing this: 

• Forgiving others makes us less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. 

• We are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene. 

• People who forgive others experience a greater sense of control over their thoughts, less sadness and anger, and less stress.

So, how do you write a forgiveness letter?

When you’re ready to sit down with a pen and paper, here are the things we encourage you to explore in your letter:

• Describe in detail the act that caused you pain;

• Describe in detail how that person’s behavior affected you at the time and how it continues to affect you now; 

• Explain in detail how you wish that person had behaved differently;

• Offer empathy and understanding for the person’s behavior that hurt you so badly;

• Acknowledge anything you could have done differently to produce a different outcome, without shifting the blame toward yourself; 

• Say the words: “I forgive you for …”

You should find that, after writing the first draft of your letter, something has shifted. In all likelihood, you won’t become “unstuck” overnight, but you should find that you’re at least starting to peel back the layers of pain and suffering to get back to yourself and your peace of mind. As we mention above, the exercise is cathartic and you may want to draft several versions of your forgiveness letter in order to get to the place of healing. 

We hope the act of forgiveness is something you can carry with you into 2021 and beyond, as you continue to navigate the difficult and inevitable roadblocks in any of your relationships. 

Please contact us if you need help or additional resources to guide you through the process.