Surviving The Holidays After Divorce: Part II - The Empty Nest

Surviving The Holidays After Divorce - A Three-part Series

The holidays are upon us and, leading up to this time of year, we tend to have a lot of conversations with clients about how to get by. It might be their first time experiencing the holidays alone, or with a new family dynamic - and when young children are involved, things can get especially difficult. It’s a very emotional time of year for most, but especially for those of us who are dealing with or getting over a divorce.

In this three-part series, we share some tips we give our clients when thinking about how to manage certain issues that may come up as we approach the holidays.

Dealing With An Empty Nest

The silence of an empty house can be deafening. Even when we are surrounded by friends and family who love and support us, new divorce inevitably leaves a lonely void that we cannot fill. The pull to sit alone in the dark in the living room with junk food, adult beverages and the worst holiday movie you can find on loop is strongest this time of year. 

Under normal circumstances (i.e., non-pandemic), we would get right into our two bulletproof suggestions for getting through the holidays with an empty nest: (1) travel, and (2) volunteer. If you can afford to travel to a foreign place - when you might otherwise be home alone for the holidays - it is a phenomenal way to reinvent your experience and rediscover wonder when you need it most. And the act of volunteering, of offering the heartfelt gift of generosity and compassion, especially to a stranger during the holidays, can deliver back to you all of the love and belonging you are missing at home. 

The idea is to not get caught in the story of what could have or should have been. Comparing your new reality to what you had envisioned for your life is a recipe for disappointment and depression (and unnecessary weight gain). 

This year though, because of COVID19, we are in a bit of a pickle. Neither travel nor volunteering seem like safe options and staying at home alone might be what so many of us are forced to do. It looks like we might have no option but to sweat this one out.

So, we instead want to share with you a small expression that we picked up from one of our earliest and dearest clients, and that we have kept with us ever since because of how simply and reliably it works. Here it is: 

“Move a muscle, change a thought.”

This is by no means a new expression, but one we often need to hear. While going through a divorce, it can be tempting to dig our heels into a certain way of thinking, to get caught up in our own stories of suffering and victimizing. We can “circle the drain” to the point of becoming immobilized - sitting in the same place, looking at the same things. 

This is when we have to interrupt the pattern, break the runaway streams of consciousness that lead to our immobilization and instead, do something different. “Move a muscle, change a thought.” It is that simple.

We are not trying to coach you into buying a Peloton (although if you’ve been thinking about it we also wouldn’t discourage you). We are also not suggesting that you have to do something profound or groundbreaking. Just get up, put one foot in front of the other, and move. Change the physical environment you are in, the physical objects you are looking at, the air you are breathing. You will feel a shift.

Here are some “low-energy” resources for you to reach for when you need a quick shift:

• Masterclass - Learn something new from the best-in-class. Take any class, there are so many great ones there and the price is right for all of the knowledge the experts are sharing on topics like cooking, storytelling, negotiating, and more. 

• Ten Percent Happier (Podcast and Meditation app) - Turn this on while you brew your coffee in the morning. Produced by Dan Harris, it’s the best “non-woo” foray into getting your meditation practice underway. 

• Take a walk. It’s science. As someone who appreciates facts, and if you’re reading this blog there’s a good chance you do, the data prove that “literally just walking can improve your mental health.” Baby, it’s cold outside but put on your hat and gloves and get out there. 

This holiday season, if you are holding down an empty nest and start feeling “stuck,” know that you are not alone. That what you are feeling is understood, expected and acceptable. But also know that you have the power and the choice to change your experience. And it is a decision that is yours to make. 

If you are considering divorce or are experiencing child custody issues, please reach out - we are here to guide you. You can always reach us at consultation@artesezandri.com.