Preparing Your Child for Divorce
We know how difficult divorce can be for children, and it is easy to see why. Children rely on their parents for structure and consistency - divorce threatens both. Ironically, by the time one or both parents are considering divorce, there is often so much conflict at home that children expect - and sometimes are even relieved - to learn their parents are going to separate.
At Artese Zandri we often handle high conflict custody matters, and over the years we have discovered a few approaches to preparing and guiding children through divorce. Here are our best tips on approaching the conversation and making the process a little easier for them.
Be Honest
Children are smarter than most of us want to admit. They learn through observation. If you approach this conversation visibly afraid and overly emotional, odds are your child will also struggle with the news. While it is natural to experience these emotions, trying to reign them in will be beneficial for your child. If children observe a confident parent who acknowledges their emotions, while also assuring them that they will continue to have two parents who love them in their lives, chances are they will bounce back much quicker.
The question of honesty is both about substance and timing. Gauging when to introduce the possibility of divorce can be difficult. Speaking with your child’s therapist or other relevant professional beforehand can be a great resource for guidance. Typically, the sooner you feel comfortable broaching the subject, the better. There is often a noticeable shift in the household dynamic when the decision to divorce is made between parents. For children who are completely in the dark, but who notice the tension, this holding period can be needlessly distressing. That said, if a holiday or major event is coming, you may want to hold off so as not to overshadow it with the news.
Be a Bridge to the Other Parent
We have talked before about the seriousness of parental alienation and disparagement of one parent by the other (see Parental Alienation: A BIG Mistake). Children identify with both parents, even when one parent believes the other is beyond reproach. When you talk kindly about the child’s other parent, you are showing kindness to your child. You are also demonstrating to your child that communicating and spending time with you is safe and stable.
Being a bridge to the other parent will also support your position for custody if you must defend your position in front of a judge.
Introduce Third-Party Support Systems
Children often need a reasonable amount of emotional and psychological support when their parents divorce. Unfortunately, a child may not feel encouraged to share their initial thoughts and feelings with a parent while the parents are also engaged in conflict. In custody disputes, children can experience what is referred to as a “loyalty bind,” whereby the child, feeling caught in the middle of the parents’ conflict, becomes unwilling to communicate their own feelings and preferences for the sake of keeping the peace. Children caught in a loyalty bind tend to agree with the parent they are with at the time, and learn how to answer questions in a way they believe will appease a parent and avoid conflict. This phenomenon is at the expense of the child’s well being, and they often need an outlet and resource for navigating a whole new terrain of thoughts and emotions. Introducing a neutral, third-party such as licensed therapists can provide important support during this time.
It is important to note that all children have different temperaments and life experiences, and thus may experience divorce differently from their peers, even their own siblings. As oversimplified as this may sound, at the end of the day what they want to hear is that they, and the people they love (you!), will be okay.
At Artese Zandri, we help couples prepare for marriage and navigate divorce. If you or someone you know has questions about family law, reach out to us for a complimentary consultation at consultation@artesezandri.com.