Surviving The Holidays After Divorce: Part I - The Children

Surviving The Holidays After Divorce - A Three-part Series

The holidays are upon us and, leading up to this time of year, we tend to have a lot of conversations with clients about how to get by. It might be their first time experiencing the holidays alone, or with a new family dynamic - and when young children are involved, things can get especially difficult. It’s a very emotional time of year for most, but especially for those of us who are dealing with or getting over a divorce.

In this three-part series, we’ll be sharing some tips we give our clients when thinking about how to manage certain issues that may come up as we approach the holidays.

Splitting time with your children - what will they remember?

The mantra that we practice with our clients when considering any issue that involves their children (it also happens to be the judicial standard) is “we are guided by the best interests of your child.” It’s certainly no different when it comes to dividing the coveted holiday time you get with your children.

Parents are surprised to realize that they often take this “best interests” framework for granted, assuming that each decision they make that involves their children is, by its very nature, in their child’s best interest. Often though, when we challenge our clients to step into the shoes of their child and out of their own ideals over what ought to be (which are often clouded by hurt, anger, fear and loneliness), we find that we get a different outcome. 

When it comes to the holidays, we ask our clients (and ourselves) - “What will they remember?” Children are perceptive, and they can sense when there is tension between their parents, which of course, can spoil the memories they deserve when it comes to what we hope are some of their most wonderful times of the year. You also shouldn’t feel the pressure to recreate what the children have experienced when the family was intact. That’s not going to be possible, and your children are smarter than that. Instead, we encourage you to honor and embrace the new dynamic, so that your children can adjust appropriately and with positivity. 

As you enter your new holiday dynamic, some of the questions we encourage you to ask yourself are:

• Will your children remember bitterness and tension between their parents over how time is divided? 

• Or will they remember how graceful you were when it came time for them to spend the holiday with the other parent? 

• That they never had to carry guilt or shame for the good times they’ve had with the other parent? 

• Most importantly, that they felt equally loved and supported by both parents and not overshadowed by the conflict they’ve been thrust into as a result of the divorce? 

• What can you do to ensure that your children will always remember these holiday moments fondly? 

The answers will not be the same for everyone. In fact, the answers can be quite unique as it relates to the individual circumstances of your family and personalities of your children. Perhaps it means that a portion of the holiday is spent together so that the children are able to experience some of it with both of you at the same time. Or, toward the other end of the spectrum, maybe it means that you commit to a video call with your children and ask them to describe to you their favorite part of the holiday meal at the other parent’s house, or to show you their favorite gift from your ex’s family.

No matter what it looks like, remember that children love and need love from both of their parents, and through that lens, try to find how to bring the most stability and comfort to your child during the holiday season. 

If you are considering divorce or are experiencing child custody issues, please reach out - we are here to guide you. You can always reach us at consultation@artesezandri.com.